Elemental Behavior: Modern Restaurant Etiquette

We all know the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" or always treat people as you would want to be treated--with consideration and respect. Religious or not, we understand this ethical, etiquette code. Still, many people don't follow social guidelines very well, especially when it comes to upscale dining. Restaurant etiquette? What's that? Let's break it down to its most basic elements.

Restaurant (n): a public business establishment where meals or refreshments may be purchased.

Etiquette (n): conventional rules or requirements for social behavior and/or professional conduct.

Why is it that those simple words, at times, have little to no relevance for some of the most highly educated, elite, intelligent, mature and wealthiest people in our society? In my own tenure as a server and bartender, I have witnessed physical threats, extortion attempts, temper tantrums, vandalism, property damage and verbal assaults directed toward service staff and, at times, members of their family. Keep in mind; these are adults acting in this manner, and not children frolicking on the playground.

Some stereotypes do have relevance. Look at any New Yorker cartoon depicting a restaurant scene and you'll see the same fey, nose-in-the-air, aloof waiter standing at a comfortable distance from the guest, judging everything down to a facial tic. And now the bartender: the sympathetic soul -- he'll listen to your sorrows, but only as a sounding board. Granted, there is an element of condescension in the service industry, however not all restaurant employees are bitter or sneering.

Dining at a restaurant is not an excuse to regress. Putting down a credit card to cover a multi-hundred dollar tab is no excuse to belittle, harass or treat the staff in any disrespectful manner. Also, it is no license to prod or advance beyond typical social barriers, accepted by our society at large. Personal questions should be kept within polite jurisdictions, except, of course, if the server or bartenders are more than forthcoming.

Most complaints from service industry staff relate to this issue. Unwanted advances and inquiries are at the top of the list. For example, a server at a popular West Village restaurant in Manhattan can't stand when questions turn from the menu variety toward more invasive ones regarding her personal life. John Clinton, a server at Troquet in Boston, put it this way: "Clients somehow get it in their head that attractive employees are also on the menu. It is our job to smile, initiate eye-contact, be well-groomed, kind and considerate and not field personal advances."

My all-time favorite act of immaturity came in the form of a threat from a woman, probably in her mid-thirties. Rather than gripe directly, she proceeded to pen a note for my benefit on the brown butcher paper of her table with various explicatives and threats (including my job security). But, that isn't the best of it. She actually -- a grown woman, mind you -- drew a picture of my hand being severed in two by a saw (I presume, by her). Apparently, she felt that I snatched a half full glass of Prosecco off of the table before she was finished. Half full? Really, half full? C'mon.

Mistakes will happen, and even more so, in fast-paced, stress-induced environments where the highest of expectations are anticipated. If deemed necessary, complaints should be directed toward the general manager with a responsible, mature air. The finest restaurants will correct the error in the most expeditious manner, but, dining out is a two-way relationship, and patrons, too, should act cordially.

Restaurant employees are not clairvoyants or mind readers. Most professional servers have risen in the field simply because they possess a certain knack of anticipation. They are able to interrupt at the most opportune time and make the evening flow seamlessly, without intrusion. Even the most well-seasoned, keenest veteran cannot anticipate every need, especially when they ere toward the esoteric. The service industry is just that: service. It should be friendly and efficient, at worst -- comforting and disarming, at best.

Dining out should be an enjoyable experience. To help insure that it is, restaurants ask very little beyond promptness, attentiveness and considerate behavior. Patrons have a responsibility to themselves and those around them. Acting out in a restaurant only makes it uncomfortable for others trying to enjoy their own evening. The food should be the focus, and hopefully it can help, along with a libation, make the entire experience a memorable one.

— Written by Chris Forbes

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